my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
