His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
