My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
