I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
