So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
