Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
