To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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