p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
