He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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