ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
