I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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