and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
