o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
