youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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