So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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