I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My ass is underappreciated
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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