When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
did i walk over a car last night?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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