Michael Bay diarrhea
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
