Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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