I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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