i just had sex bonerless
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
