is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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