I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize