textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
