we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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