I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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