Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
