im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
