I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
