We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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