happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
