Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
