You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
