i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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