You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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