You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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