he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
