Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
