If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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