I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
