i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
