we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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