I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How does it feel to date your dad?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
