FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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