I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My balls are so social today.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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