There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
