tell your sister to shave her snatch
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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