I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize