I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She told me I should be a condom model.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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