I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
