you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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