She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
