did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
