My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
