the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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