the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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