The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
