I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
