i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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