What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
