yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
