i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
