Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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