3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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