Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I look better un-naked...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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