i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
